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I know I should be concentrating on WTTTB, but since that team has already been established for this season dig this: One of my favorite sports blogs of all time returned today...at least temporarily. That's right! Ken Tremendous and the rest of the staff at Fire Joe Morgan reunited today to bring us their special brand of exposing and lambasting idiotic sports "journalism". For those that don't know who or what FJM was (is), I'll let Ken Tremendous break it down for you:
Awwww shit, y'all – get out your slide rules and hide your daughters, because the bad boys of the internet are back! FJM in the motherhumping hizzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyy!
What's that? You have no idea what FJM is? So our braggy enthusiasm just came off as ridiculous? And this is embarrassing for everyone? Totally understand. Unfortunately, there is no delete key on this keyboard. So let's just move past it.
Fire Joe Morgan began in April of 1954, as an agitprop mouthpiece for Senator Joe McCarthy and the House Committee on Un-American Activities. In the ‘70s, under new owner Henry Kissinger, it was a communication method for CIA agents involved in the assassination attempt on Generalissino Pinochet. In 1993 it became a Phish fan site. Then a collection of poorly-photoshopped Christina Aguilera nudes. Finally, in 2005, it became what hundreds of tens of people all over the world know it as today: a place where bad sports journalism got yelled at by a bunch of arrogant dicks.
All their posts can be seen over at Deadspin by clicking HERE. Each should be required reading for all. I think this is a one time deal, so enjoy it while you can! Here's a sampling of my favorites. Dam I miss you guys!
From Remember This Guy Is In The Hall Of Fame
How did it happen?
Great question. I would think, mostly, it comes down to you just getting old, Murray. Just getting really old, kind of lazy at this point, not really caring about what goes on the page. Not having an editor anymore can't help. Senility might be a factor?
Sure, the Red Sox lost a lot of games while the Yankees were playing like the best team in history.
Oh, I'm sorry. You were asking "How did the Red Sox lose a regular-season series to the Yankees" – not, "How did I become an irrelevant, blathering sportswriter." My bad.
From The Utterance Of This Word Should Be Punishable By Death:
They may or may not play every day, but every time they step on the field you're ensured that they're giving it their all.
You know what you're saying, random dude who wrote a very minor Internet-only baseball article that never thought he would get trashed and over-analyzed for little to no reason? You're saying that they look like they're giving it their all. And you know why they look that way? Because they're bad, and it literally takes them the maximum physical effort to accomplish basic baseball tasks like throwing the ball from short to first. When David Eckstein throws the ball to first base, he has to wind up like a shot-putter, spin around forty-three times, and launch it at an angle 89 degrees from the horizontal. Afterwards, he undergoes an IV drip for a fortnight and he's so out of breath that he requires several months of acupuncture to regain the power of speech. For this we laud him.
From Jesus Is The Derek Jeter Of Christianity:
Still, there is a question as to whether the MVP award really means all that much to Derek Jeter. As he put it on Aug. 23 after the Yankees beat the Red Sox-a victory that Mr. Jeter paced by hitting a home run on the game's first pitch off Boston ace Josh Beckett-"I'm not thinking about winning any awards right now. The only award that matters is that fifth World Series ring."
Joe Mauer, meanwhile, issued a different statement to the press after going 2-4 with a walk against the Cleveland Indians. "Fuck the World Series," said Mauer. "Seriously. Write that down. Fuck the World Series. If I ever win a World Series ring, I will literally just take it and fuck the tiny ring-hole." Mauer punctuated his remarks with a graphic, thrusting pantomime, presumably of what he would physically do to the World Series ring. Mauer added: "I don't give a flying goddamn about winning. I am an awards guy. I'm Joe Fucking Mauer. I only care about individual honors. How many times do I have to tell you guys that? Mauer out, fuckfaces!" Mauer then urinated on a picture of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett holding hands and stormed out of the clubhouse whistling a pro-al Qaeda anthem that he wrote himself earlier in the day.
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